Sirius Babysits
by GreekEMTSlytherinSpriteFairy
Summary: Sirius offers to babysit Teddy for the night. But things undoubtedly go wrong and Sirius gets help from an unlikely source. Will the two survive? Remus/Tonks/Teddy


AN: Alright so Cassie was having a bad day and I was bored, so what became of it? A story! That's right. Sirius babysits! Who thinks this will end badly? If you raised your hands you are right. Let's just say he gets help from an unlikely supporter. Hilarity ensues. So sit back, relax, and enjoy!

Disclaimer: I only own the plotline. Nothing else.

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"I think you two need a date night!" Sirius exclaimed as he burst into the room. Tonks and Remus stared at him as Teddy kicked his feet from his play mat.

"What in bloody…" Remus slid his gaze to Tonks, "holes are you talking about?" Tonks rolled her eyes at his barely save.

"I think I should watch little Teddy while you two go out!" Tonks gave him a look.

"How hard did you hit your head when you rolled off the bed this morning?" Sirius waved his hand at her.

"Not that hard. Why? You guys don't trust me with Teddy?"

"No" Remus and Dora said together. Sirius pouted. They shared a look.

"It would be nice to have dinner without spit up all over us" Dora said. Remus nodded. He tickled Teddy's belly.

"What do you think, Teddy? Do you want to stay with Uncle Padfoot for the night?" The baby cooed and kicked his feet as he sucked on one of Remus' fingers.

"It's decided! I will watch Teddy! I knew he was a smart kid" Sirius said. Remus watched him leave before he turned to Tonks.

"Is this a good idea?" Tonks shook her head.

"Not at all."

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"Send a Patronus if you need us Sirius. He gets this," Remus held up a jar of orange stuff, "for dinner and a bottle right before bed." Remus set the jar of baby food down on the counter. "He can't eat solid food yet, Padfoot. Make sure to warm the bottle, but not too hot. Try it on your wrist before giving it to Teddy.

"Make sure you change his diaper every now and then, but especially right before bed. His bath time is at 6, then you can give him his bottle and put him to bed. He likes a book to be read to him and has to have his blanket and stuffed wolf to sleep." Remus stared at Sirius, who looked bored. "Are you sure you don't want me to write all this down?" Sirius waved his hand at Remus.

"I can remember it all, no problem. We'll be fine."

"If you're sure…" Remus wondered if he should write it down anyway.

"Positive. Now go take that lovely wife of yours out for dinner." Remus nodded and the two men walked into the living room, where Tonks was whispering to Teddy.

"... tell daddy and I what Uncle Sirius does wrong." Sirius stiffened.

"I'm insulted. I can take care of Teddy just fine!" Tonks turned and gave him a questioning stare. "I can! I watched Harry once before, as a baby!" Remus raised his brow.

"I was there with you and as I recall, you almost burned down Lily and James' house." Sirius waved his hand.

"That's completely beside the point."

"Perhaps we should call for backup. Maybe Severus would be willing to help." Sirius' eyes grew wide.

"I do NOT need Snivellus' help!" Tonks bit her lip in indecision. "I will call you if I can't handle it."

"If you're sure…"

"Positive" Sirius said. Tonks handed the baby over and they each kissed his forehead before leaving. As soon as the door clicked shut, Sirius looked down at Teddy. "Looks like it's just you and me, Teddy." Teddy stared at Sirius, before the worst thing happened.

Teddy started crying.

"No! No crying! What's wrong Teddy?" He waited for an answer, but was greeting with louder crying. "Moony didn't tell me what to do if you started crying! What do I do?"

"What is that noise?"

"Severus! Thank Merlin, you're here!" Severus Snape didn't know which shocked him more. The fact that Sirius Black admitted to being glad he was in his presence or that the werewolf's child was making the racket. "I don't know what to do!"

"Make him stop, Black."

"How do I do that?" Severus rolled his eyes.

"What did Lupin tell you?" Sirius shrugged. "Where did he put the notes?" Sirius shifted, guilty. "Lupin, didn't leave you instructions on his precious progeny?"

"Not exactly." Severus frowned.

"Explain yourself." Sirius stiffened as he held Teddy against his chest.

"I don't have to explain myself to you." Severus barely held back an eye roll. Barely.

"Fine, then I wish you luck in your miserable attempts at watching the child."

"Snivellus wait!" Severus raised his eyebrow. "He told me what to do, but I told him I didn't need it written down. Obviously I might have been wrong."

"Obviously" Severus sneered. "Well what do you remember?"

"I was supposed to feed him the orange stuff." Sirius made his way to the kitchen, Severus following against his better judgment. Sirius set Teddy in the high chair and flung open the cabinet and looked for an orange jar. There were only three jars of purple baby food. Sirius shrugged and grabbed one and a baby spoon.

"That's not orange." Sirius opened the jar and shrugged.

"It's baby food. It won't matter." Sirius set the jar and spoon on the tray in front of Teddy.

"I don't…"

"Hush! Teddy's eating" Sirius said. Teddy stuck his hand in the jar and pulled out a handful, half his sleeve was purple. Teddy threw the food and Severus ducked before it hit him. He and Sirius turned to stare at the purple spot on the wall. "Well that's…" Sirius was cut off when Teddy laughed and threw another handful at Sirius.

"I shouldn't finish my thought that you so rudely cut off, but I will. I don't think you just hand the baby the whole jar." Sirius wiped the nasty stuff off the side of his face.

"Thank you, Snivellus. I've learned not to." Sirius reached forward and tried to grab the jar, but Teddy held on with both hands. "Come on, Teddy. Let the jar go. Teddy…" Suddenly Teddy started crying again and Sirius let go of the jar abruptly and they all watched as the jar went flying and landed with a shatter against the wall, purple food slowly dripping down the wall.

"Brilliant, Black."

"Shut up Snivellus" Sirius snarled. He picked up Teddy and Severus, eager to see Sirius mess up again, followed them up to the bathroom. This would be good.

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Tonks once again, shifted nervously.

"Should we call him?" Remus sighed.

"I think he can handle it."

"Remus, there's something I have to confess." Remus stared in panic. Oh gods she was leaving him for Sirius. He paused. Ew, incest. "Sirius watched me once as a child and dropped me on my head."

"Oh thank heavens it was nothing bad." He paused as he registered what she said. "Oh bloody hell." Tonks nodded. Remus threw down some galleons for their dinner as Tonks grabbed her cloak. They needed to get home. Quickly.

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"Can you get him ready for the bath?" Sirius asked Severus as he shoved Teddy into the glowering man's arms. "It's either get him ready or wash him. Take your pick." Severus glared at Sirius as he took Teddy into the nursery to get him ready. Suddenly Sirius heard a soft thud and smelled something horrible.

"What is that awful smell?" Sirius asked as he walked into the room. He stopped at the doorway and pinched his nose closed as he took in the sight in front of him. Severus had passed out, most likely from the smell, and Sirius saw Teddy laughing as he laid on the changing table. "Tergeo" he muttered as he pointed his wand at Teddy's bottom.

Suddenly the smell was gone.

"Come on Teddy, let's go get in the tub." Sirius held the naked baby in front of him and set him gently down in the tub. Sirius used the baby wash that he'd seen Tonks use time and time again and quickly washed the baby. He pulled the stopper up and picked Teddy up and set him down on the towel. And that's when it happened.

Teddy started to pee.

"GAH!" Sirius yelled out as he backed away. He grabbed a diaper and set it over the baby. "Merlin, kid. You were supposed to be easy to take care of!" A snort sounded from the doorway and Sirius glared at Severus.

"Babies nor children are ever easy."

"Says the man who's a teacher" Sirius snapped.

"Sirius? Teddy?" Remus called out. Sirius picked up the baby and took him downstairs, still naked. "How was…?" Remus stopped as Sirius shoved the kid in his hands. "Severus?" Remus asked as the man came down the stairs. Sirius conjured a bottle of firewhiskey and two glasses. He handed one to Severus and filled them both full.

"To making it through the night." Remus frowned as they clinked their glasses together. "Hope you guys had a great time tonight, because unless you get another babysitter, your next night out won't be for a looooooooooooooooooong time." Sirius left, chugging his drink.

"It couldn't have been that bad" Remus said to Severus. Severus finished off his drink and set the glass down.

"No" he said. Severus nodded once to Tonks, who had been silently standing by Remus' side just watching the exchange. "It was worse." And with that Severus left and the small family was standing in the entryway. Tonks opened her mouth and closed it again.

"Well, that was weird" she said. Remus just nodded.

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AN: So how was it? Funny I hope! I don't have much else! So thanks for reading now please review!


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